DEAR MAN is a specific skill taught in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). It falls under the category of interpersonal effectiveness skills and provides a structured approach for saying no to something you don't want, or asking others for something, without damaging the relationship or your self-respect. The name is an acronym, formed from the first letter of each step, making it easier to remember.
In this blog post, I will equip you to start using DEAR MAN yourself, hopefully making it easier for you to ask for what you need and say no to what you don't want.
I've chosen to write a blog post about this skill because it's truly one of my favourites. It's definitely the one I've taught to friends and family members the most. My husband, who isn't a psychologist, is so enthusiastic about it that he's even told his own friends about it. It's a skill that can genuinely make life a little easier.
As a DBT therapist, it's important to practise the skills we teach ourselves. I believe this is a great approach; teaching becomes much more credible when you've experienced the skills firsthand. When I first needed to teach the DEAR MAN skill, I was building a pallet sofa at home. I'm not particularly handy, so I needed a lot of help with the project and had to purchase many items for the sofa. It was the perfect opportunity to practise DEAR MAN – to learn a new way of asking for help. I noticed a huge difference after using DEAR MAN. I received much better service, and people were simply so kind. I believe this was because DEAR MAN allowed me to explain my situation to them in a completely different way than I usually would, making them feel more invested in my project. For me, that was enough proof that DEAR MAN offers something I hadn't discovered on my own.
Many people (myself included) can find it challenging to ask others for things. We might experience thoughts like, "What if they say no?", "They'll probably think I'm annoying if I ask them for something," or "I should be able to manage this myself." The same applies when it comes to saying no and setting boundaries. Thoughts like, "Maybe they won't like me if I decline," and "Am I even allowed to say no?" often arise. These are frequently old myths we carry from past experiences. This can lead to us being ineffective when we need to ask for help or say no to something. Sometimes, we might avoid doing it entirely, or we might not express ourselves clearly enough.
I used to have a tendency to be very vague when I wanted to ask for something. I hoped the other person would just figure it out on their own, so I wouldn't have to ask directly. However, this approach creates several problems:
1) It's rare for people to accurately guess what I actually needed. There are so few mind-readers out there...
2) It's actually quite taxing for others to try and figure out what you need. This strategy puts extra work on them, which can be frustrating and may even harm the relationship.
3) It doesn't feel good to beat around the bush instead of standing firm and saying what you mean. In other words, your self-respect can suffer.
DEAR MAN offers a framework for how you can ask for something or say no in a way that increases the likelihood of achieving your goal, preserves your relationship with the other person, and boosts your self-respect. It's a step-by-step guide you can use when communicating with someone. Here, you'll find a structured approach for your requests.
Before using this framework, it's an excellent idea to prepare. First and foremost, you need to be clear about what you want to ask for. Do you ever know you need help but struggle to articulate what kind of help that is? The likelihood of getting what you need is much higher when you've already considered what that might be.
D – Describe
The first step is to neutrally describe the situation you're in. When describing, stick to the facts — things everyone can agree on. The purpose of describing is to bring the other person up to speed. You provide the necessary information for them to understand why you're making a request.
E – Express
After describing the facts, it's time to explain the subjective part of the situation. Here, you should inform the other person about the things they can't see, such as your feelings, values, thoughts, or needs. When you express yourself, you help the other person understand the situation from your perspective. This makes it even easier for them to grasp why you're asking for something or why you're saying no.
A – Assert
Now you're ready to clarify your goal. This is where you actually make your request or state your refusal. It's crucial to be clear and direct here. Don't beat around the bush and hope the other person is a mind-reader. Therefore, it's also important that you've determined what you want beforehand.
R – Reinforce
Here, you can explain the positive consequences for the other person if they grant your request. Alternatively, the positive outcome might simply be that you feel happy and grateful. Most people appreciate making others happy. Stick to positive consequences as much as possible. Highlighting negative consequences for not granting your request can quickly damage the relationship. However, in some situations, it may be relevant to describe potential negative outcomes.
M – Mindful
Keep your eye on the ball/your goal. The key is not to get sidetracked. Avoid changing topics and losing sight of what you ultimately want from the conversation. If the other person starts to shift the subject, you could say, for example: "I'd be happy to discuss what you've brought up, but first, I need us to clarify what we're talking about now," and then repeat your goal (your request). In this step, it's perfectly fine to stick to your point. Repeat what you want. This step isn't always necessary.
A – Appear Confident
This step isn't so much about *what* you say, but *how* you say it. Non-verbal communication is at least as important as verbal communication. When making a request, focus on speaking in an adequately loud and calm tone of voice rather than mumbling. Maintain appropriate eye contact instead of looking at the ground or away, and try to stand upright rather than hunching or trying to hide yourself. If you don't feel confident and calm, you can practise saying things out loud to yourself before speaking with the other person.
N – Negotiate
If the other person doesn't immediately agree to your request, there's no need to give up right away. Instead, you can offer to negotiate. You might ask for something smaller, or offer to help with something else in return. If you're saying no to something, you can offer an alternative. Essentially, instead of abandoning your goal, you can explore whether you can achieve what you need in a different way, or at least get part of it.
Describe: You said you'd be home by dinner, but you didn't arrive until 11 PM.
Express: When you come home late without letting me know, I get worried that something might have happened to you.
Assert: I'd like to ask you to call me when you know you're going to be late.
Reinforce: I'll feel relieved and be much easier to live with if I know you'll keep me informed.
Mindful: Imagine your partner says, "But I didn't think I'd be *that* late." You respond: "Okay, but moving forward, I'd still like you to let me know."
Appear Confident: Speak in a calm tone of voice and maintain appropriate eye contact.
Negotiation: "If calling is too disruptive for you, I'd ask you to send me a text message instead. How does that sound?" Or, "Okay, but I get very worried about you, so do you have any ideas on how we can solve this problem?"
Describe: You've invited me to your family gathering in two weeks, and it's for five hours.
Express: I'm really happy you want me to come, and I'd love to get to know your family. However, I don't have a lot of energy at the moment, and it takes a lot out of me to be 'on' for many hours with a lot of people, even if they are lovely. I find it difficult to meet many new people all at once.
Assert: Therefore, I have to say no to coming this time.
Reinforce: I want to make a good impression on your family because you're important to me. I'll be a better version of myself if I start by just meeting your parents first.
Mindful: (Speak in a calm tone of voice and maintain eye contact; avoid apologising for who you are)
Appear Confident: If necessary, repeat that it's too much for you to meet so many people at once, and therefore you can't come to the party.
Negotiation: If it's very important to your partner, or if there are good reasons why this particular party is so significant: "I hear that it's very important to you that I come, but I know five hours is too much for me. How about I join for one hour, just to meet them, and then head home?"
The order is crucial! Many people tend to make a request and then start explaining the background. This puts extra work on the other person, as they have to consider whether to agree to your request while simultaneously trying to understand why you're asking. You help the other person by first informing them about the situation *before* clearly stating what you need.
The length of a DEAR MAN interaction can vary greatly. In some situations, it makes sense to take some time to explain the situation to the other person; other times, a single sentence might suffice. You may not need every step. I've often found that others offer what I'm about to ask for simply by the time I've described the facts and expressed my feelings/needs. Most often, negotiation isn't even necessary.
Stay in your own lane. This means describing what *you* think, feel, and so on, rather than speculating about what you believe the other person is thinking or feeling. Avoid statements about what the other person "should" or "shouldn't" do. Such language tends to escalate conflict and is not beneficial for achieving your goals, maintaining the relationship, or preserving your self-respect.
Stick to the truth. Avoid exaggerating or downplaying how you feel. Doing so can undermine your credibility and self-respect. DEAR MAN is not about manipulation, but about effectively communicating your situation to another person so they can more easily understand why you're making a request or saying no.
Just like with many new things, practising DEAR MAN might feel awkward, strange, or artificial at first. It can even be anxiety-provoking. The more you practise, the easier it becomes, much like exposure therapy. Initially, it might feel rigid and require significant concentration to remember all the steps. Over time, it will become more natural, and you'll find your own way to use this skill. In the beginning, it can be a really good idea to practise what you want to say, perhaps even writing it down. DEAR MAN is also very well-suited for written communication, such as when sending a message.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about how to use this skill. You are also welcome to book an appointment with me if you'd like more in-depth guidance. There can be many reasons why setting boundaries or trusting others to help you when you ask is challenging. Past trauma can sometimes hinder what you want to achieve in the present.
I hope that DEAR MAN can inspire you to confidently ask for what you need and say no to what you don't want.
