Bavngaard Logo
Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
Bavngaard Logo

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

What I Cover in this Blog Post

Interpersonal effectiveness skills are a module within DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). These are a set of specific skills and strategies that you can practise and use in your daily life. The skills help you to better manage your relationships, conflict situations, and interactions with other people in general. You may benefit from learning interpersonal effectiveness skills if you tend to withdraw from conflicts, take on too much responsibility in relationships, struggle to set boundaries, or find it difficult to be yourself around others.

Why Are Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Important?

It is incredibly important for us as humans to have relationships. We are, at our core, social creatures, and our survival has historically depended on our ability to be part of communities. Healthy relationships can provide us with a sense of security and belonging. They offer opportunities to share our joys and to receive help and support when life is challenging.

Interpersonal effectiveness skills are relevant for everyone. They help us engage in relationships in a healthy way and prevent us from losing sight of ourselves within them. These skills can give us greater security and self-confidence in social settings, helping us feel more comfortable in social situations.

When Do Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Make Sense?

Do you recognise that relationships can often feel messy and complicated? How do you experience this? Interpersonal effectiveness skills can be helpful in many situations involving other people. Many of us might have strong interpersonal skills in one area of our lives but struggle in another. For example, you might be good at navigating workplace relationships, ensuring you don't take on more tasks than is reasonable, but find yourself struggling when it comes to your family. Some of us find relationships with people we don't know well easier, while our closest relationships – such as with a partner or parents – become complicated. For others, it's the exact opposite.

It is incredibly beneficial to become aware of where things become difficult and what exactly makes them so challenging. Interpersonal effectiveness skills can help us become more aware of where we might have difficulties, for example, through skills like "The Three Pillars," "Myths," and "Things That Make It Difficult." Other skills provide tools for problematic situations, such as "DEAR MAN," "FAST," and "GIVE."

Typical Situations Where You Can Use Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

  • At work: When you are asked to take on extra tasks and find it difficult to say no, even though you are already overwhelmed.

  • In the family: When you need to set boundaries with family members who expect too much of your time or resources.

  • In a relationship: When you feel you always give in to your partner's wishes and needs and want to find a more balanced way to communicate your own needs.

  • With friends: When you find it hard to ask for support or help from your friends because you don't want to feel like a burden.

  • In social gatherings: When you feel uneasy or unsure about how to behave or what to say.


  • n conflict situations: When you need to navigate a conflict without losing your self-respect or damaging the relationship.

  • When meeting new people: When you feel uncertain about how to introduce yourself and start conversations.

  • With colleagues: When you need to ask for help or collaborate in a way that maintains a positive work culture.

  • During stressful periods: When you feel pressured and need to communicate your needs and boundaries clearly and effectively to avoid becoming overwhelmed.

What Skills Are Included in Interpersonal Effectiveness?

The interpersonal effectiveness module includes several concrete skills. Here, I will briefly outline them to give you an idea of what they involve.

The Three Pillars

The Three Pillars: The Three Pillars offer a framework for understanding what is at stake in a social situation. This includes the objective of the situation (e.g., something you want to ask for or say no to), the relationship itself and how you want the other person to view you, and finally, your self-respect, which concerns how you want to see yourself. By analysing a situation through these three pillars, it can become clear if you have a pattern in what you prioritise most. For instance, you might tend to prioritise how the other person sees you, thereby neglecting your own goals and self-respect. Recognising such a pattern is crucial, as it can contribute to a decrease in self-esteem.

Myths and Encouraging Thoughts

Myths and Encouraging Thoughts: Do you recognise phrases like "I can't stand it if others are angry with me," or "I should solve my problems myself," or "If I ask others for help, I'll be a burden"? If you recognise these or similar thoughts, it's likely because you hold certain "myths." Myths are old, negative, and rigid rules or narratives that we often live by unconsciously. They can make life very difficult for us. They always originate from somewhere, and often, they were once necessary. However, they don't evolve with us and need updating. Fortunately, we can work with these. Discovering and working with myths is one of the skills within the interpersonal effectiveness module.

Things That Make It Difficult

Things That Make It Difficult: This skill involves identifying precisely what makes a situation with other people challenging for you. Many different factors can make it difficult, such as asking for something or setting boundaries. If we can pinpoint the exact difficulties, we can address them much more effectively. For some people, emotions are the hurdle; for instance, feeling nervous when asking for something, or becoming very upset when trying to set a boundary. It might also be that you're not entirely sure what you want in a situation or where your own boundaries lie. This skill helps us become more aware of the root of our problem and, consequently, which skills we need to practise.

Intensity

Intensity: Do you find it challenging to gauge how much intensity to use when asking for something or saying no? It can be difficult to judge, and sometimes we get it wrong. If we use too little intensity, the other person might not take us seriously, which can diminish our self-respect. Conversely, using too much intensity can create problems in the relationship. This skill provides you with a set of specific questions about the situation that can help clarify whether to increase or decrease your intensity.

DEAR MAN

DEAR MAN: This skill provides a structured approach for asking for what you need or saying no in a way that respects both your relationship and your self-respect. I'm so enthusiastic about this skill that I've written a separate blog post dedicated to it. This skill primarily focuses on the first pillar of "The Three Pillars" (objective effectiveness).

GIVE

GIVE: This skill focuses on nurturing the relationship. It aligns with the second pillar of "The Three Pillars" (relationship effectiveness). This skill emphasises seeing the other person in the relationship and trying to ensure they have a positive experience, which includes a focus on validating the other person's feelings and perspectives.

FAST

FAST: This skill focuses on maintaining good self-respect. It corresponds to the third pillar of "The Three Pillars" (self-respect effectiveness). To maintain good self-respect, you must be reasonable and honest, both with the other person and with yourself. This skill helps you to look yourself in the eye and feel that you have acted well.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict Resolution: Most of us will experience conflicts or disagreements multiple times in our lives. However, many find it very challenging and may try to avoid conflict to such an extent that they undermine their own needs. This can lead to suppressing issues for too long before speaking up, which can cause a conflict to escalate. These skills help you navigate a conflict without it escalating.

Building New Relationships and Strengthening Existing Ones

Building New Relationships and Strengthening Existing Ones: This skill focuses on building new relationships and nurturing the ones you already have. Many of us find small talk challenging, and this skill offers helpful tips for it. Additionally, it encourages you to reflect on your relationships and explore what you desire in your social life.

Examples of Using Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Case 1: Work-Related Scenario: Anna works in a busy department where her manager often asks her to take on extra tasks, even though she is already overwhelmed. Anna finds it difficult to say no, fearing it will negatively impact her relationship with her manager.


Skills Used:

  • DEAR MAN:

    • Describe: "I've noticed that I'm often asked to take on extra tasks."

      Express: "I feel overwhelmed and stressed when I get extra tasks because I already have a lot on my plate."

      Assert: "I would like to ask that we distribute tasks more evenly within the team."

      Reinforce: "If tasks are distributed more evenly, I'll be able to work more efficiently and with less stress."

      Mindful: "I understand there are many tasks, but it's important for me that we find a solution so I don't become overwhelmed."

      Appear Confident: "I cannot take on more tasks right now, as it will affect my ability to deliver quality work."

      Negotiate: "Can we find a way to prioritise the tasks or perhaps adjust deadlines?"

  • Intensity: Anna assesses how much intensity to use when asking for help. She starts with a moderate intensity to ensure she is heard without unnecessarily escalating the situation.

  • Myths and Encouraging Thoughts: Anna works on myths like "I mustn't say no to my manager" and replaces them with encouraging thoughts such as "It's okay to set boundaries to look after myself."

Case 2: Family-Related Scenario: Mads feels his family expects him to always be available to help with practical tasks, even though he has a busy daily life. He finds it difficult to set boundaries because he doesn't want to disappoint them.



Skills Used:

  • FAST:
    • Fair: Mads acknowledges both his own and his family's needs. "I know you need help, but I also need time for myself."
    • Truthful: "I'm very busy right now and can't help as much as I usually do."
    • Stick to Values: "I can help at the weekend, but on weekdays I need to focus on my own work and rest."
    • Direct Communication: "I need to be able to say no without feeling guilty."



  • Things That Make It Difficult: Mads identifies what makes it difficult for him to say no. He realises that the feeling of guilt and the fear of disappointing his family are the biggest obstacles.

  • DEAR MAN:

    • Describe: "I've noticed that you often ask me for help with practical tasks."

      Express: "I feel pressured and overwhelmed because I have a lot on my plate during the week."

      Assert: "I would like to ask that we find a solution where I can help at the weekend but have weekdays free."

      Reinforce: "If I have more time for myself during the week, I will be more refreshed and effective when I help at the weekend."

      Mindful: "I understand there are many tasks, but it's important for me to be able to relax and focus on my own life during the weekdays."

      Appear Confident: "I cannot help on weekdays, but I am happy to help at the weekend."

      Negotiate: "Can we find a solution where we plan the tasks for the weekend?"

I hope you've been inspired to use interpersonal effectiveness skills or to explore situations where they might be beneficial for you. If you're interested in learning more or receiving guidance on how to apply these skills, please feel free to write to me or book an appointment at my clinic.

Book a Session
Contact Me

CVR: 44322986

Privatlivspolitik

En del af psykologernesnetværk.dk

Copyright © Psykologpraksis Bavngaard

Kunne du bruge 2 metoder til at sænke angst her og nu?

Tilmeld dig mit nyhedsbrev med tilbud og viden. Samtidig får du adgang til et mikrokursus med 2 metoder, der kan bremse angst med det samme.

    Du kan til hver en tid afmelde dig nyhedsbrevet igen.

    ​

    unsplash