In this blog post, I want to help you understand what psychological abuse is. My aim is to go beyond legal definitions, focusing instead on what it feels like to experience it firsthand and why seeking help makes sense if you recognise any of these signs.
Psychological abuse is violence! It can leave deep scars – emotionally, physically, and socially – and be just as damaging as physical violence. This is why it was criminalised in Denmark in 2019 when it occurs in close relationships.
Much of this post is based on insights from Lev Uden Vold – Denmark's national unit against violence in close relationships. In May, I attended a presentation by chief advisor Winnie Jørgensen, and her insights articulated much of what I have encountered in therapy, knowledge I hope more people can access.
As a psychologist in Aarhus, I have often sat with clients who are hesitant and apologetic when trying to explain what they have been through.
Many times, I have observed clients feeling ashamed about their experiences, often saying things like:
“Well, it wasn't rape…”
“It wasn't physical violence I experienced…”
“I haven't been to war – so why do I feel so bad?”
Then comes the overarching question:
“Is what I experienced even bad enough to explain how I feel today?” or “Is this even something worth getting help for?”
That question touches me every time. Because it speaks to something I unfortunately see frequently:
People who have experienced psychological abuse have often learned – perhaps unconsciously – to underestimate their own experiences. They minimise the pain they have actually lived with, believing they *should* be able to cope because “it wasn't physical.”
In this way, they have to cope not only with what they've been through but also with subsequent shame or confusion about the consequences.
Hence this blog post!
A clear definition is important to help identify when someone has experienced psychological abuse. Such a definition can also help overcome the shame that can, unfortunately, be associated with this topic.
This is a broad definition – and it needs to be. Psychological abuse can take many forms and often occurs in contexts where it doesn't feel clear-cut. It typically happens within relationships involving mixed emotions, such as love, vulnerability, or dependency.
Precisely this complexity makes it so hard to identify. Many who have experienced psychological abuse live for a long time with self-doubt: “Am I too sensitive?”, “Am I overreacting?”, “He was just stressed, wasn’t he?”
It is, therefore, a completely normal reaction to try to understand and explain the psychological abuse you have experienced. This often happens because you care for the other person (e.g., in a romantic relationship) or are dependent on them (e.g., in a relationship with a parent).
Psychological abuse isn't a single action; it's a pattern.
It's a pattern of control, degradation, threats, confusion, and isolation. It can also be called emotional abuse. While it may be subtle, it is often profoundly damaging over time.
Jealous or possessive behaviour: for example, lengthy discussions after or before you meet with someone, demands to check in frequently if you're out, or desires/demands that you stop contact with certain people.
Manipulation or control: for example, over what you wear, eat, or who you spend time with.
Monitoring and suspicion: for example, checking your phone or your social media profiles.
Degradation: being called names, made fun of in front of others, or ridiculed.
Threats or outbursts: threats to destroy your belongings, shouting or swearing at you.
Sexually coercive behaviour: being pressured into sex, even if you don't want to.
Financial control: being denied access to money or having no say in financial matters.
You walk on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict at all costs. You set aside your own needs and feelings for the sake of the other person.
You feel you no longer know what is right or wrong. You may feel like you're losing yourself and are no longer the same person.
You experience confusion.
You isolate yourself from friends and family – perhaps without fully understanding why.
You feel wrong, inadequate, or as if you “just aren't strong enough.”
If you recognise any of these signs, it's important to know:
You are not the problem. Instead, these are natural consequences of being caught in a dysfunctional dynamic involving psychological abuse.
One reason why psychological abuse can be so hard to spot – both for the person affected, for those around them, and for professional systems – is that it rarely leaves blue marks or bruises.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
In fact, it makes it even more difficult: without visible injuries, others may struggle to grasp the seriousness of the situation.
This can leave you feeling isolated, wondering if it's “all just in your head.”
Many clients report that for a long time, they tried to “make it work” – they adapted, suppressed their own needs, and excused the other person's behaviour.
However, psychological abuse isn't about someone having a bad day or saying something foolish.
It's about a systematic pattern that diminishes a person and makes them more dependent.
Another reason it can be difficult to speak up is the shame associated with being or having been in such a relationship. It can be hard to comprehend why you stayed for a long time, or why the people who should have cared for you did the exact opposite. Unfortunately, we often tend to internalise this, leading to self-criticism.
The report “Konsekvenser af psykisk vold – Viden, begreber og stemmer” (Consequences of Psychological Abuse – Knowledge, Concepts and Voices), published by Lev Uden Vold in 2024, draws on research, professional perspectives, and accounts from individuals who have experienced psychological abuse. It demonstrates how psychological abuse can have profound consequences for an individual's psychological, physical, and social well-being, emphasising the need for psychological abuse to be considered in identification, assessment, and treatment.
(See also my blog post on trauma.)
Source: Lev Uden Vold (2024). Konsekvenser af psykisk vold – Viden, begreber og stemmer. Available via:
-Increased risk of anxiety, depression, PTSD, stress, and suicidal thoughts. Many survivors experience self-doubt, guilt, and shame. It becomes difficult to trust one's own feelings and judgements. Psychological abuse can lead to a feeling of “inner emptiness,” emotional numbness, or confusion about one's identity. “Psychological abuse often leaves victims with a feeling of having lost themselves.” (Lev Uden Vold, 2024, p. 13)
Sleep disturbances, headaches, stomach problems, and muscle tension are common. Many experience an overstressed nervous system, leaving them constantly tense and unable to relax. These symptoms can persist long after the abusive relationship has ended.
-Isolation is both a consequence and a tool of control: the individual withdraws or is cut off from social relationships. Loss of network, trust, and support makes it harder to seek help and break free. There are often long-lasting repercussions for work life, parenthood, and financial independence.
-Many experience a breakdown of their self-esteem and self-confidence. There can be a profound feeling of “no longer knowing who one is.” Psychological abuse can lead to internalised guilt – a person begins to believe they are the problem. “Psychological abuse changes the way one sees oneself – and the way one believes others see them.” (Lev Uden Vold, 2024, p. 21)
The first step can be acknowledging that what you've experienced was, in fact, abuse. The next is knowing that you don't have to carry it alone.
As a psychologist, I meet people who have gone through psychological abuse and are slowly starting to find their way back to themselves. It's not an easy journey – but it is possible.
One method I frequently use in my practice in Aarhus is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) therapy – an evidence-based treatment primarily used for processing trauma. EMDR can help to release stuck experiences in the nervous system, allowing you to breathe freely again and find calm in your body. It can be highly effective in processing trauma.
Just as important, however, is that therapy takes place in a safe and respectful space. A space where you don't have to convince anyone that what you went through was serious enough.
Because it *was* serious enough. And you have every right to feel better.
If you've read this far and feel that something resonates – even just a little – it's worth listening to that feeling.
You may still have doubts, which is completely normal. But your doubts don't make your experiences any less real.
Psychological abuse is serious.
And you don't need to have been to war or have visible bruises to need help.
If you wish to talk to someone about your experiences, you are very welcome to contact me. I am an EMDR psychologist in Aarhus. Together, we can explore how you are feeling and what steps can help you move forward.
If you are currently in a relationship where you are experiencing psychological abuse – or if you are unsure – help is available 24 hours a day.
Lev Uden Vold operates a nationwide hotline where you can speak with an advisor anonymously and free of charge.
Hotline: 1888 – Open 24 hours a day
📱 Call 1888 at any time – whether you are a survivor, a relative, an perpetrator, or a professional.
You can read more at www.levudenvold.dk
